I’ve spent the last three days nature gazing, dancing, writing, burning incense, picking flowers and straight up loving my wild Self. Something is landing deep for me and I want to share a little of that with you. The last two years have been a lot. For you to yes? In the lives of myself, my children and extended family there has been chronic health diagnosis, one autism diagnosis and another likely to come, homeschooling, the onset of dementia, pancreatic cancer diagnosis and Parkinson’s disease progressing. There are no guarantees in life. There is only a choice to be awake to it.
This year I’ve let go of heart dreams for myself and my children. I’ve had to stop grasping for a feeling of safety from others. I’ve had to stop hiding when life got too much. I’ve had to grow up. This level of living in the unknown has called for a deep surrender as life events serve to help us re-calibrate our nervous systems. Ultimately we’ve got to come into right relationship with fear.
As the outer systems that humanity has relied on continue shift and change, it is wonderful to see evidence that we are starting to build new ones. Alongside the new that is coming I’m also noticing that for many sensitive Souls that the system that needs to be rebuilt is personal – it’s our nervous system.
Self-regulation as a Way of Life
I’ve spent the last few years grounding, box breathing, following energy and leaning into the restorative practices like my life depended on it. And I’m okay. In early 2021 when three unexpected diagnoses came in quick succession, my doctor suggested anxiety meds. It was a fork in the road moment – one that I’d experienced ten years prior following my first spiritual awakening. Thankfully I paused to listen to my heart, and the wise words of two grounded men in my life. I knew I could trust the inner resources and outer supports that I’d been growing for the last decade. I knew I’d be okay.
Gratefully today I am okay. And some days it’s still not easy. However these are the times that I ground, sing, write, pick flowers, sit by the water, cry and allow myself to feel alive to it all. To be awake to life is to welcome the whole spectrum of human emotion. To feel the frustration, sadness or disappointment in your life and soften into the knowing that this too will pass.
Beyond the challenges of the past two years I can see beauty and magic. My children are learning about their individual nervous system responses. They are getting to know their mind stories and avoidance strategies. They are growing a level of resilience that I didn’t know was possible for neurodivergent, sensitive kids.
As my parents age I am slowing down to catch their every word. As a deeply feeling being, I let tears fall as I watch able bodies and sharp minds no longer able to move or speak with ease. I cry rivers for my brother who is learning how to dance with pancreatic cancer. My heart breaks with a love that knows no words, and for a reality I can not change. There is fragility and strength in living this way.
Evolving Purpose and Creating with Love
I’ve often mused on my role in the bigger picture of all that is unfolding through humanities awakening. Deep in my heart I’ve known my role is to heal myself. It is enough to return home to my cyclical nature, layer by layer, cycle after cycle. The last few years have sped up that process for all of us.
I am thankful for life unfolding in every minute, even when my nervous system has to quickly stretch and adjust to change. I’m grateful for the gifts of my sensitivity that allow me to intuit my inner world, alongside the mysteries of the unseen world. I am thankful for my connection to something greater, and the inner knowing that I am the worthy of all this life has to offer.
I am aware that in healing myself my outer purpose continues to evolve. As my nervous system adjusts to the stretch of being who I am, I can offer myself in service in new ways without tipping out of balance. Or if I do tip over I can make an adjustment without falling apart.
So where does that leave us today? The changes that we seek in education, health, community and government systems must be born through the minds, hearts and bodies of those that have rebuilt their inner systems. People who are connected to their truth just as much as they are able to hold the many truths of the collective. It’s got to come from love people. I hope that what we each birth next comes through open, relaxed and receptive bodies.
Learning to keep your heart open when life throws you for a loop (or three!) is the work. Let’s keep going!